Simple Faith with a Broken Heart | carol_herbert

faith

I experienced faith in trusting God in little things ever. This is just part of simple life story i would love to share and i bet some of you must think of me as a ridiculous girl but in the end , God is the one that i cling on for hope.

To start my drama, i was praying that things would work out for my tangling relationship with Him(the unknown Singapore Guy), Lets just called him Mr X. As far as i am concern, we got to know each other in November last year through Tinder and met in person only on the 1st of January 2016. We kinda started the year together and things was doing well.I always try to do things or meet people on the dates which were much salient and easier to remember . It does help in anniversaries for the long run.

To be precise, it was a LDF (long distance friendship going into relationship) ever since we got to meet each other once or twice in a month. In total , we had already met each other.,,hmm let me guess..about 9 times in total of 6months.We hung out and explored Singapore like never before. He was indeed a good company and was always on the look out for me. I would say that i was in good hands whenever i was with him. The sad thing was love never came by. You would be thinking by now, oh these couple should be in love and were engaged to the commitments of life since they have been dating for the past 6 months. I mean even LDR couples also they are committed to each other. For us, it was way hanging and i kinda felt empty. The need of wanting and to be loved was there but in my conscious mind, was still in doubt whether was he Mr Right? Things had been piling up like rocks. At any moment i might just crash . God definitely was needed .

rocks

Every night i would pray and ask God. Is he the right one? Why did he crossed my path? Why did i have the brave-ness to go to Singapore to meet him all by myself? Did he ever loved me? Is this the right timing? Is dating a different faith okay? Questions were so bubbling in my mind that i would cry just thinking about that. It wasn’t easy because we have yet to commit due to this. Then one night, i decided that i should end this and it is either we continue as a serious healthy relationship or we just quit the dating and be friends. No more tangling situation since he isn’t giving me any choice either.

I came to Singapore one Sunday noon to meet him and we went for lunch at Jurong East JEM shopping mall. After lunch , we went to watch Me Before You and the movie was splendid. Although i don’t support euthanasia but still if it is the individual’s wish we can’t disapprove. Besides, the story does clearly say he is in major pain and he can’t stand it anymore. Yes, it will be tough on the family but still it is his own decision. So called human rights? Life is indeed short. So after the movie, i got a little tense , like i need to say this freaking line of WE NEED TO TALK?DO you know how tense and scary it is? Coming from me?? An introvert?? I can almost passed out and never return to Singapore again. I could feel my intestines twisting and my hands were all jittery,and i could see that he wasn’t at his comfortable zone. So i told him that we should get some coffee and talk. Find a place that we could sit and talk. He wasn’t at his mood i bet. I didn’t know what was going on his mind but still wanted to made decisions.

Luckily we found a place and got our coffee and yes, we talked. The moment of silence kicked in and i was kinda enjoying my coffee and thinking how to start the conversation. I prayed in my little heart and asked God please let this be a nice talk and not a conversation that would ended us up fighting and i might be going home angry and hurt for maybe months.I started asking him ‘so..do you see any future in this relationship/friendship)?’. He was indeed stunned and just smiled sarcastically and told that he actually told his mum and sis about me. I was kinda shocked because we wasn’t in one but why he needed to tell his parents already? The thought was there but i kept going and asking him. Below was how it went…

X: I told my mum and my mum kinda told my dad. She was okay but my dad wasn’t

    quite happy with that. He was saying we were of different caste and

     you are a Malaysian and blah blah ..

C:Are you serious? But then your dad?  (sipping my coffee really fast. my heart was

  pounding so hard i could almost faint.)

X:Yes he is still under the caste thingy and my mum , she likes you but then she

   thinks of the society.

C: Oh okay,,,#awkward ..oh so your parents are kinda still laid behind ?

(come on..but  still if you really like me you would at least talk to your dad and

     debate, and if he still  disagree , i will respect every decisions you make,,but

     still…super unfair…)

X: yeah..

C: Okay so how about New Zealand? I mean you were supposed to go there work

   and you are now building a house in Kerala, India. What is the plan? I thought

    you told me  you gonna migrate ?

X:I am planning to work in New Zealand maybe up to 40 plus years old and then

    come home to Kerala for retirement.

C:Oh (silence, because that wasn’t what he told me at first when i talked to him.

   I thought the house was an investment and his parents to stay and he was to move

   from Singapore to New Zealand and work there for life) …. okay.. so back to

   India for good huh..

    # in my mind ,another reason to let him go..i can’t stay in India..my plan was to

        move to NZ and die there,..LOLS>.no offence but yeah

X:Yes..and i think we better be normal friends.

C: (in my heart..hell yeah) Yes,,of course. I mean if your dad doesn’t agree

     to this , i wouldn’t either because its best to get permission and not with anger.

There were some conversations censored due to personal matters.It ended pretty cold but i was glad it was over.

Drum rolls (bing bang bung!!!!) And we ended our unknown relationship . It was frustrating and sad because to me it was kinda heading somewhere but we didn’t really take time to commit to the relationship yet . We both, so-called weren’t ready for it and i told myself i would give myself or him at least 6 months to think and to know him better and to make decision once we were ready. But that very Sunday, i told myself and God, I needed answers and decisions made. I can’t be hanging to him and he can’t be attached to me without any commitments. It is insane as i know if were to continue like this and not commit , we will be hurt at the end.

At first i was very frustrated , but at the end as time goes by i am getting the use of it. I am no longer wanting to hear from him every minute, every second. I told God, there is a purpose of everything, and i thank you for the letting me experience life without regrets. He has indeed shielded me whenever i am out with people i am not too sure about and i bet more is to come. I have just got to have faith and trust that Mr Right will be at some corner waiting for me. I am not too desperate but still wanting to enjoy the unknown dates with people. Going for movies and being treated for dinner. It is kinda nice being a girl who is being treated once in a while and to be feel loved.

Anyways, i have moved on and i pray that he also will find a girl who will suits his family and himself. Life is about give and take. If it doesn’t suits you, just move on and don’t hang on to it long. It will eat you up slowly. Just chill and embrace life and let God take control. Coz humans will always make mistakes and follow what the brain has got to say at times.But if you let God to control your heart, you will do things differently .

 

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