Life is so unpredictable and fragile. To me I felt so lifeless lately. Maybe its due to my emotional breakdown and had been feeling that I have lost the connection with my God. Distractions were there and I wasn’t aware much of it lately till I was losing all the blessings I had in life.So back to my story. I told myself that I would graduate, work and make money first. That was part of the plan I had and it turned out to be good. The next phase in life is getting married. I wouldn’t say I fancy much of it yet as I know I myself am not prepared for this kind of drama and love and live happily ever after kinda thing. Parents pressure and relatives are always compressing me till I just ignore them every time they brought up the topic. In my list of so-called my prince charming, he needs to be very prepared I would say. If you seen my list , you will just be speechless.
Sighhhh why do girls have lists for finding a husband that is so prefect? Can’t you just find one that suits you and live happy and content? I have seen so many of my friends married with the one they love and are happy with it. They didn’t come out with any list attached to that. I on the other hand, am depressed with my stupid list and decided to go with the flow. Not to say that I am hunting a guy right now but who knows in future he will be standing there right beside me and I will know its time. To me, I just commit it to God and ask him to kinda survey for me. HAHA..talking about faith huh? Yes!! Having faith as lil as a mustard seed can do wonders. I have always dreamt of living near the sea with a house that fully equipped, enough for a family to live in. I also always wanted an animal farm together with the house so that I could do some business with it. I planned lots of stuffs for the future and am saving up for that. But the real deal is whether is it God’s will that I am pursuing? Sometimes I myself do not know why am I doing or what am I aiming for. Is it worth the risk? People especially leaders in church always encourage us in seeking God first and wait for HIM to answer. How long would it take? No idea!! It depends on ones’ trust and faith in dealing with this kind of matter and situation.
About my emo feelings lately. I don’t know. I felt that I have kinda lost everything. Not physically much but the inner happiness and feelings that one get when they are drained up. Maybe working life got hold of me. Yes, I don’t fancy this job at all, and it’s just part of a daily routine for me to earn money and pursue my masters. I am more interested in going and working overseas. My desire is to migrate and explore the world on my very own terms without having any life problems or crisis. I hate the fact where everyday we get up, we start to think about the problems we are going to face in the work place. I really hate that and I always try my best to stay out of it and be happy at all times. That is the only way I can get my emotions straight and not break down just because a lil thing that could cause a huge problem. I am planning to go back to USA to further my studies in either Animal Psychology or Forensic Psychology. I have committed it to the Lord and i know my answers are on the way. He has his hands over me and I always know that. Protection comes from him and grace and mercy also do.
I started drinking while I was US. HAHAHA..This is one top-secret that one shouldn’t know but still it will be stupid. God knows it. Who cares if you hide it from the world?The most important thing is He knows every single thing you do. But still I see there is no harm in drinking wine or apple cider but you have to drink with limits. I tried a few times drinking and I ended up crying. I do not know why but still I knew that deep inside me I was a sad girl. Outside I was a happy bubbly girl and people always come to me to pour out their hearts. But what about me? I realise one thing that I am the person that would help people no matter what and in the end I myself don’t get help to treat myself. You know how this feels? It feels depressing yet sorrowful.
When I got back to Malaysia, I stopped drinking as I was back home. Parents don’t really like alcohol, especially my mum. She totally hates it. My dad still can accept it and live with it. When I started working I got back into action. Apple cider was all I ever drank and it was super disgusting and unhealthy. OMG super fattening too. And I was in a diet? This is hilarious isn’t it? I only drink with my drinking buddy. He is a friend that connects with me somehow and we are like friends forever. Nobody knows much about our relationship but us. It was kept kinda secret till lately we decided that we just gonna hang out normally like normal friends do. I appreciate his company and he does too. He works in Singapore as an officer and was always busy. I myself am busy with life till i almost forgot to even contact him even just a simple HELLO via FB was tough. I was living in my world back then. To my surprise i noticed that he was the one who makes the effort in calling me just to know how was i doing and stuffs. Its kinda hard to have such a friend like this.
Anyways I was taught that whatever happens give thanks. Bad things, good things. God cares. Thats it. Simple as that. I may cry myself to sleep but he is always there to comfort me. I may think that I have sinned badly against HIm but still he Loved ❤ me. He is my God and no one could ever take Him away from me. He is my first love and the second will come somehow. The life I have always wanted? Nowadays I don’t even know what I want anymore. I just uphold all things into HIS hands and he will direct me according to his very own pathway. Lessons are made to be learnt and i know that my journey has yet to begun. Once it has started it has no ending but I know HIS hands will be with me 24/7. Have some courage and faith to begin with and always stay alert with HIM. Nobody knows when and how but when it is done, you will enjoy the fruits of it. Stay blessed.